Perfectly Imperfect

Can it just be the weekend already? Can it just be Christmas? Can it just be next semester? Can it just be summertime? Can I just graduate? Can I just be married? 

People tend to wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. 

This has been the epitome of my days lately. I have blinded out all of the regular splendor of my today, instead closing my eyes and lusting after a more beautiful and fulfilling tomorrow. I have been wishing, hoping, promising myself that my tomorrow would bring me joy; only to find myself reenacting this exact routine the following day. Not only have I disappointed myself when my tomorrows turn out far from perfect, but I have robbed myself from the glory of today. 

Instead of waking up and thanking God for providing me another day—I seem to have grown so hardened that I curse him for all that I don’t have. 

Instead of loving the relationships which support me unconditionally—I focus my attention on those whom I feel I have lost and who have hurt me. 

Instead of confidently improving and using my talents—I have thrown them down the toilet, instead holding onto the feeling of inadequacy. 

Instead using struggle as my strength—I have literally shut down and feel into old patterns of depression and sin. 

I am done with these feelings. I am sick of my self-pity, of my self-hate, of not ever being good enough for myself. 

I am finally trying to come to terms with that although I am imperfect, I am perfectly imperfect. I'm beautifully broken, beautiful in my flaws-- I am a beautiful disaster.