Someday May Never Come

My relationship with my mom has always been a bumpy one. 

From a young age, I have been sassy. It is just in my inner- being. I like to think of it as having a little Sasha Fierce in my blood. My mom is never embarrassed to bring up the fact that the first time I slammed a bedroom door was at the age of two. They thought it was cute at the time. 

However, it got not so cute when I was in elementary school-- when I would taunt my mom and dad with my attitude, feeling accomplished by fueling their rage. 

I was raised in a military household where respect was a core principal which was always taught, however I lacked upholding it to the people who mattered the most—the ones who brought me into the world. 

As I got older, my attitude and behavior declined even more. 

I became the typical middle school girl who “hated” her mother, and I made it quite clear. Anything that my mom wanted from me, I did the opposite. We got in screaming battles almost daily, and I created our home to be a battle ground. I would wake up, fight, go to school, come home, and fight some more. This was our pattern until I moved out for college.

Constantly growing up, I said words to my mom that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I knew the words which cut the deepest. Also, on multiple occasions during screaming matches, I pushed my mom; the last time I did it, she called the police. Through all of this, I knew how to put up a facade and how to behave when people where around. I would complain to all of my friends about how “psycho and controlling” my mom was, when really I was the one with the behavior problems. 

Going away to college mended a lot of our problems. I learned how to see her point-of-views, and learned how to better vocalize mine. When I am at school I am able to talk to my mother, and see her eye to eye on most things. However coming back for the summers and long breaks are still hard. I have to adjust from being in my own college world, to being in a family environment. 

So far I have been home for three weeks, and I cannot count how many times my mom and I have gotten into arguments. Although the arguments are much more civil than the ones which we had in previous years—they still bring up pain, they still bring a dark side of both of us. 

I keep telling myself that someday every facet of my relationship with my mom will be something I am proud of. Someday I will stop saying words which I wouldn’t say to anyone else to her. Someday we will get along, even on the hardest days. Someday this fighting will end. 

But what if someday never comes? I mean, what if today is the last day for one of us? 

There will be so many unsaid apologizes. So many statements which I wish said. So many missed I love you’s. 

So for the today—Mom, I am sorry that I can be so disrespectful at times-- I just want peace. I am exhausted from the arguing. I love you.  

Roar

My best friend since high school has attempted to commit suicide twice this year.

She is one of the only people in this world that I would take a bullet for, and it shatters my heart that she would take a bullet from herself.

It has been two weeks since she was admitted from the hospital for her last attempt. I cannot begin to write the feeling that I have felt walking through this with her—the pain, the disbelief, the guilt, the sorrow, the rage. 

I have felt so much, for so long—but this past week the healing has finally started.

It started when I was going through one of my old notebooks, and found a journal entry that I wrote in high school when I was in one of my deepest depressions.

“Everyday I feel like my life just cannot get any worse, yet somehow it always finds a way to go down that path… I hate my life. I am hopeless. I look into the mirror, and I hate what I see; why would anyone want what they see? I don’t even think my parents, or closest friends really want me around; I am just a girl who is there to be used. I want to die—yet I am afraid of death. No one has any idea I am this alone and depressed…”

It has been so long since I remember these feelings.

This weekend during my RA retreat, my RD challenged us to listen close for the Lord’s voice. She had us pursue this in the form of an activity, where we had to ask Jesus what animal we were. At first when she was telling us about it, I was very skeptical. But then I decided to really concentrate on Him and listen to something bigger—I experienced something that could never have ever come from myself.

I had a vision of a lion with a powerful roar. After praying on this image, I heard that I am a lion in His kingdom. I heard that I have a voice that is powerful. I heard that I am going to capture people in His name. After that I saw an image of my best friends name over and over and over again.

Right after that I went to write this experience down in my notebook, and my journal entry fell out of my notebook.

I went from not believing that God could intervene in her life, to weeping in joy overwhelmed in faith.

When I put myself into my best friend’s shoes, I remember exactly what she is feeling. I know the loneliness. I know the pain. I know the longing for an answer.

After much searching I found the answer, and it changed my life. Jesus is the only answer. When I finally truly found Him, He took away my loneliness and pain—and exchanged it for abundant joy and freedom.

His love is sufficient for me. And I believe that it is for her too.

I know that there is a reason that she is still alive. Jesus has so much planned for her. I have faith that she is going to find Him. I have faith that her pain is going to be taken away. I have faith that He is going to do incredible things through her.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I am constantly underestimating my value. Not only do I settle for far less than I deserve, but I also push good things away—because I believe that I am not good enough for them. 

This week I was taken on two dates (there must have been something in the water, I never go on dates). 

My first date that I was taken on was with a boy who is the epitome of a gentleman. Never have I been out with someone who genuinely cared so much. When he first asked me out in person, he told me that it would be an honor to go on a date with me. On meeting up, I noticed that he was more dressed up than I had seen him in the past. He did not have a car, and instead of borrowing a friends—he got a driver to drive us to our restaurant (yeah, I was impressed too). When we got to the restaurant, he was genuinely interested in getting to know every aspect of my life. Before we ate, he prayed over our food. We then proceeded to enjoy an amazing dinner, full of great conversation. At the end, he paid the bill—even though I offered to split the check. Afterward, we went across the street to Churn and shared a bowl of ice cream. Driving home, again we enjoyed amazing conversation, and asked to see me again. When we got back to the dorm, he walked me to the door, hugged me, thanked me for such a fun time and we parted ways. Throughout the entire date he was more respectful towards me than I have ever been treated. Never has a boy taken me out on such a nice date, or not made me feel obligated to “reward” him for taking me out. 

However, when all of my friends asked how the date went—I told them he was too nice for me. When I got back to my dorm, I saw that he had posted on Facebook, “I'm not sure what's better than a great night with a great girl eating great food and great ice cream”. After seeing the post, I felt sick to my stomach and doubted that I could really be that great. I also told myself that the second date would not be happening.

The next day I went on my second date. This boy had been texting me all semester and was very verbal about how much he liked my appearance.  As I was at work earlier in the day, he texted me asking if he could come over and see me—I told him absolutely, even though I knew many of his intentions were not pure. He drove to campus where we met, and then we walked to my dorm together. As we walked to my room, we made small talk, and deep down I knew that he was expecting something from our hangout session. We got to my room, and began watching Harry Potter while cuddling on my giant lovesack. We got about 1/3 done, and decided to take a walk—when we got outside he held my hand and I began getting butterfly’s (a cute boy was holding my hand). He then asked where I wanted to go, and I told him on an adventure. We then went to his car (where he was still pretty touchy), and soon enough arrived at a park. We got out of his car and it was pretty chilly outside—so we began cuddling pretty close… and soon enough we were making out. We stayed at the park for about an hour being physical, then he drove me home, dropped me off at the curb, kissed me, and said he wanted to do this again soon. 

Walking inside the dorm, I vocalized to all my friends that I had a big fat crush on him-- however was a bit embarrassed to tell them exactly what we did. I wanted to see him again, and of course I wanted to be his girlfriend.  However the next day, I learned that is not exactly how he felt. On texting him, he made it quite clear that he just wanting someone to mess around with on the side. And being dumb, I told myself that is what I deserved. 

Boy number one cared about me. Boy number two wanted to get in my pants. I pushed boy number one away, while I pulled boy number two closer. 

I realized tonight that although I have learned so much about my identity this year-- I am still looking in many of the wrong places for attention and love. I don’t allow myself to get close to good guys like boy number one, out of fear of rejection; instead I often compromise my integrity and standards for boys like boy number two, who frankly do not give a rat’s ass about my value. 

I pray that I can be constantly aware of what I truly deserve. I pray that my fear of love will be erased. I pray that not only will men who come into my life know my value-- but that I will walk so confidently in knowing who I belong to, that it will radiate from every ounce of my being. I pray that I comprehend fully that I am truly fearfully and wonderfully made.

Single and Not Alone

Twenty- five years.

That is how long my parents have been married. Twenty-five years of partnership, commitment, and love. Although they have had disagreements from time to time like all couples, I was raised seeing what a truly happy marriage looks like-- with two individuals who are passionately wild about each other. I was raised dreaming about the day that I could emulate the joy my parents have for each other.

However, I have manipulated this dream. My once pure fascination has now become a tainted obsession; it spans far beyond pinning adorable wedding pictures on Pinterest, and praying for my future husband.

My interest in finding my soul mate has reached the point that I base all of my value on my singleness. My once high standards lower each time a relationship fails and each time a male disappoints me. I shame myself for everything that could be wrong with me—of why I am not good enough. My “I would never do that” promises from my old self are justified in finding the perfect him-- as I even turn to dating websites and men who are only interested in one night stands. I allow the answer to the question, asked over and over again from my family members about my relationship status-- to reinforcing the lies which I repeat over and over to myself. I tune out the women who have the boldness to say that “singleness is a gift”, I roll my eyes every time a new friend gets into a relationship, and I have grown bitter toward the idea of ever finding real love.

I have run so far in the direction of what Jilli believes love is that I no longer really remember the love that I saw between my parents as a child. I no longer place Jesus at the center of finding someone. I no longer even really care about the other person, as long as I feel the twinkle in my heart that I have always dreamed I would feel.

Tonight as I watched my parents at the bowling alley, I realized that I have been chasing after something that I falsely idolized for too long. Love is a beautiful thing that my parents have. Yet, love is not about a constant feel-good emotion, or the perfect dream wedding. Love is not about being held at night, or even about the great sex. Love is about pursuing after another person unconditionally. Love is about caring about the needs of another over your own. Love is about being intimately connected with another mentally, emotionally and physically.

It is difficult to grasp true love because I don't think I've ever experienced love in a romantic sense. I’m left to guess what might be. I only know what I've seen through others’ experiences. But as I mature in my faith, I am slowly realizing the most important love is the love of our Creator. Prince or no prince, I am thankful for this life He has given me and for His unwillingness to adjust His plan to fit my timeline—even if it makes for a pretty messy fairytale.

Does God not say that He knows just how many hairs we all have on our heads? Does He not give good gifts to His children? Ephesians says that God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, the Psalms say that He knows the desires of our hearts.

I want a clear slate. I want to give up everything that I have been chasing. I want to sit and truly grasp the meaning of love, and I want to be ok with understanding that love may or may not come—but I will never be alone.

Boldly Before the Thrown

What the heck even is love?

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Learning truly what love is comes from knowing Christ’s character and His heart for people.

Love is PATIENT: He is so patient with me. Every single time I fall. Every single time I run away from Him in the opposite direction. However, he enduringly loves me through this—constantly pursuing and calling me His child still. Patience is truly a virtue; it is not something that you just fall into—it is something that you consciously pursue through each and every circumstance and individual. Jesus, mesh my heart to be more like yours. Teach me to slow down and not to be reactive in every situation in my life. I refuse to be offended or live in a spirit of rejection.

Love is KIND: Phillip II was a devout religious man who loved the Lord; however he also founded the Spanish Inquisition which murdered Jews and Muslims in the name of God. It kinda sounds familiar. But maybe it sounds better when I do my devotions, listen to Jesus culture, and go to chapel, gathering , church and life-group; and then decide to treat those whom sin differently than me dreadfully, murdering the name of the same God. Abba, I want to live radically-- I am tired of living lukewarm. I want those who do not know you, to see you in me. I want your compassion and gentleness to ooze out of every single one of my pores.

Love does NOT ENVY: Envy is the position of a heart that can never be satisfied where it is at-- it constantly craves what someone else has. Envy destroys love, because it convinces a person that they could have it better with something or someone else. It steals joy. It steals peace. It steals gratitude. A heart which has been poisoned by envy, can never thank God for where they are or what they have, because to them it is never good enough. God put me where I am, with the circumstances I have – I must trust in Him through it all. Father, I refuse, I absolutely refuse, to base my happiness or my ability to love on the blessing I see in the lives of others. I want to see your face in every blessing I have, and praise with those around me for what you also given them.

Love does NOT BOAST: I need to shut up more; learning to listen is learning to love. Love does not flaunt its blessing in the face of others. Help me Father to master the art of silence and listening.

Love is NOT ARROGANT: Love is not about us. Love is not about what can help us. Love is considering others more important. Lord, let me see your face in all that I do. Let me feel your passions and your drives. I want to shed my selfishness, and instead pick up your coat of self-sacrifice.

Love is NOT RUDE: Real love takes into consideration a person’s past and present, and always desires to protect a person’s heart before opening its mouth. God, allow me to slow down and see how my words and actions hurt those around me.

Love is NOT SELF-SEEKING: This is the root of all unconditional love. It is not about me. It does not have to always be my way. God, help me to be patient enough to hear the opinions of other, but strong enough not to be swayed by them. Give me courage to stand up for what I believe and humility enough to stand up for others even when I would do it another way.

Love is NOT IRRITIABLE: Love is not easily angered. Love does not get frustrated at every little thing. In the life of a perfectionist this is one of the hardest attributes found in 1 Corinthians 13. I am not perfect, and every suggestion or comment given to me is not a judgment or criticism of my character. Life with all of its bumps and unexpected twists is not perfect either; therefore I cannot get angry every time things go slightly off course. Lord, I pray that you take my bad temper—and help me to discern situations and frustration.

Love KEEPS NO RECORD OF WRONGS: The beauty of the Gospel is that God keeps all the good in you in a metaphorical heavenly ledger, and removes all of the bad when we ask for forgiveness. However when someone does something towards us, we often forget God’s example of grace. Jesus, I am sorry for not forgiving those whom have hurt me. I want to give the pain and bitterness to you. I want to live life with your grace as my example for forgiveness.

Love does NOT DELIGHT IN EVIL:  Others failure and shortcomings are not reason to celebrate or gossip, they are an opportunity to look in the mirror and recognize the same thing living inside of us. God break my heart for those who stumble and those who hurt. Teach me how to mourn with those who mourn, and rejoice with those who rejoice. Awaken my soul with a spirit of conviction fueled by love, when I hear others are struggling in an area where I personally need breakthrough.

Love REJOICES WITH THE TRUTH: Love builds up even while correcting. Love is the spoonful of sugar that makes the medicine go down. In truth there is nothing to hide. No secrets. No bondage. No regrets. No guilt. No shame. No condemnation. No accusation. Pure and beautiful FREEDOM.  Jesus, I want to be the kind of person who does not just like speaking the truth-- but actually enjoys receiving it, no matter how hard it is to hear. Help me become like this, teach me about meekness, teach me how to love and carry another’s burdens with them.

Love BEARS ALL THINGS: We all want love we can rely on, but we have seen so many great loves dissolve in front of us that many of us have become hard towards it at all. Real love can walk through fire of adversity unchanged and unhindered. Another translation says, “Love always protects”. When you encounter real love there is no cost too great and no service too burdensome. Lord, teach me to endure through hard situations with those in my life. Let me not run cowardly, but trust that you are in the middle and stand courageously.

Love always TRUSTS: We can always trust what God said. I can trust wholeheartedly that every promise in the Bible beginning with “whoever” is a promise for me. When loving others, I need to always believe the best in them. Father, help me walk with confidence of who you are. Take away the pain of past trusts gone bad, and let my heart be mended to love your people the way you want me to.

Love always HOPES: Jesus believes that no one is beyond hope; there are no hopeless cases in the kingdom. Everyone needs hope, but very few find it because they are looking in the wrong places. They look to relationships and money searching for what can only be found in love; perfect love. In love there is never a reason for anxiety or doubt—because love holds onto the promises of the Father. Love can never get its hope’s too high for tomorrow always hold the possibility of new adventure and a new opportunity. Hope is what allows me to believe for change. It allows me to believe that I can change, my circumstances can change, and tomorrow will look a lot brighter than today. Hope is never in vain when our hope is in the Lord and not in what we can accomplish ourselves. Abbba, allow me to have a renewed sense of hope. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel—I want to see your face.

Love always ENDURES: This is where Agape love came from. Jesus loves us unconditionally, and regardless of circumstances. Loving someone and suffering with them is the greatest of all loves. Jesus, I pray that you continue to place an agape, endless love in my heart. I want to love you, my brothers and sisters the way you love me.

LOVE NEVER FAILS: You can beat it. You can kick it. You can yell at it. You can stab it. You can tear at it. You can mock it. You can crucify it. You can bury it in the ground. You can guard it with professional soldiers. But love always finds a way. Beyond death. Beyond the grave. This is the beauty of the Christian message. Love never dies. Love never hides. Love never gives up. Love never shrinks back. Love never rejects. Love never takes advantage. Love never seeks control. Love had only one goal; freedom. It cannot be bought. It cannot be sold. It cannot be earned. It cannot be lost. Love is man and His name is Jesus. The greatest act of love in all of eternity was the cross. We deserved death, we got life. This is love. THANK YOU FATHER.

Love each other as I have loved you. // John 15:12

Perfectly Imperfect

Can it just be the weekend already? Can it just be Christmas? Can it just be next semester? Can it just be summertime? Can I just graduate? Can I just be married? 

People tend to wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. 

This has been the epitome of my days lately. I have blinded out all of the regular splendor of my today, instead closing my eyes and lusting after a more beautiful and fulfilling tomorrow. I have been wishing, hoping, promising myself that my tomorrow would bring me joy; only to find myself reenacting this exact routine the following day. Not only have I disappointed myself when my tomorrows turn out far from perfect, but I have robbed myself from the glory of today. 

Instead of waking up and thanking God for providing me another day—I seem to have grown so hardened that I curse him for all that I don’t have. 

Instead of loving the relationships which support me unconditionally—I focus my attention on those whom I feel I have lost and who have hurt me. 

Instead of confidently improving and using my talents—I have thrown them down the toilet, instead holding onto the feeling of inadequacy. 

Instead using struggle as my strength—I have literally shut down and feel into old patterns of depression and sin. 

I am done with these feelings. I am sick of my self-pity, of my self-hate, of not ever being good enough for myself. 

I am finally trying to come to terms with that although I am imperfect, I am perfectly imperfect. I'm beautifully broken, beautiful in my flaws-- I am a beautiful disaster.

Confessions of Our Generation

What is the something that every single person thinks about—however is too afraid to actually talk about?

Sex.

Sex is… awesome.

I don’t know many Christian bloggers who start off with that phrase, but they should. In my opinion, there is a serious problem when Christians try to tackle the topic of sex as though it’s a “say no to drugs” campaign, because the reality is we were never meant to say no to sex.

Sex is one of God’s most precious and valuable gifts to us as human beings. But without a doubt, the inappropriate use of this gift is leaving millions of people feeling more broken and alone than they ever thought imaginable.

And, I want to be the first to admit I struggle with it too--

I struggle with staying pure.

I struggle with sexual curiosity.

I struggle with slut-shaming myself.

I struggle with having a skewed perception.

I struggle with drawing the line in the sand of what is okay.

I struggle with being honest with those around me about my sex life.

I struggle with not allowing myself to be defined by my past sexual sin.

I struggle with guarding men's purity at the expense for selfish attention.

I struggle with sacrificing the knowledge of deserving more for pleasure. 

I don’t get afraid or embarrassed often-- however writing those words and knowing that people might read them scares the hell out of me. But, I want to be honest about my inner-self. I am not perfect, and neither are you. 

I regret a lot from my past. I regret my first kiss. I regret the first person I made out with. I regret the first time I fooled around. 

I regret how I lost my virginity-- it was in the front seat of a boy’s car, whom I was not even dating, in the back parking lot of a Safeway. It wasn’t planned-- I never woke up that morning saying this is the day—it just happened. We don’t even talk now. Romantic, right? 

I bought a purity ring that I wore daily before this day, and I remember looking down at my hand after we had sex—wanting to cry. I knew something that was special I had given away to the wrong boy. 

However, through my stupidity I continued to wear the ring and sleep around with the wrong boys. 

I look back now, and I wish I saved those beautiful moments for a man that I truly love and will be with forever. 

Yet, I know through these experiences I have been made REDEEMED. I am still LOVED. I am still PRECIOUS. I am still HIS.

I may struggle at times, but I know that God has been there with me the entire time. He was reaching for me when I turned my back on him. He was calling my name when I ran toward other things for satisfaction.There is no time for regret with Jesus. 

I want to live in a world that is completely Jesus-centered. I want to live in a world that is seeking after a revival for purity. I want to live in a world that is patient with struggle, and even more accepting towards growth. I want to live in a world that strips away guilt, and replaces it with truth. I want to live in a world that shatters addictions, and finds people find freedom. I want to live in a world that redefines the beauty of sex.