Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

I am constantly underestimating my value. Not only do I settle for far less than I deserve, but I also push good things away—because I believe that I am not good enough for them. 

This week I was taken on two dates (there must have been something in the water, I never go on dates). 

My first date that I was taken on was with a boy who is the epitome of a gentleman. Never have I been out with someone who genuinely cared so much. When he first asked me out in person, he told me that it would be an honor to go on a date with me. On meeting up, I noticed that he was more dressed up than I had seen him in the past. He did not have a car, and instead of borrowing a friends—he got a driver to drive us to our restaurant (yeah, I was impressed too). When we got to the restaurant, he was genuinely interested in getting to know every aspect of my life. Before we ate, he prayed over our food. We then proceeded to enjoy an amazing dinner, full of great conversation. At the end, he paid the bill—even though I offered to split the check. Afterward, we went across the street to Churn and shared a bowl of ice cream. Driving home, again we enjoyed amazing conversation, and asked to see me again. When we got back to the dorm, he walked me to the door, hugged me, thanked me for such a fun time and we parted ways. Throughout the entire date he was more respectful towards me than I have ever been treated. Never has a boy taken me out on such a nice date, or not made me feel obligated to “reward” him for taking me out. 

However, when all of my friends asked how the date went—I told them he was too nice for me. When I got back to my dorm, I saw that he had posted on Facebook, “I'm not sure what's better than a great night with a great girl eating great food and great ice cream”. After seeing the post, I felt sick to my stomach and doubted that I could really be that great. I also told myself that the second date would not be happening.

The next day I went on my second date. This boy had been texting me all semester and was very verbal about how much he liked my appearance.  As I was at work earlier in the day, he texted me asking if he could come over and see me—I told him absolutely, even though I knew many of his intentions were not pure. He drove to campus where we met, and then we walked to my dorm together. As we walked to my room, we made small talk, and deep down I knew that he was expecting something from our hangout session. We got to my room, and began watching Harry Potter while cuddling on my giant lovesack. We got about 1/3 done, and decided to take a walk—when we got outside he held my hand and I began getting butterfly’s (a cute boy was holding my hand). He then asked where I wanted to go, and I told him on an adventure. We then went to his car (where he was still pretty touchy), and soon enough arrived at a park. We got out of his car and it was pretty chilly outside—so we began cuddling pretty close… and soon enough we were making out. We stayed at the park for about an hour being physical, then he drove me home, dropped me off at the curb, kissed me, and said he wanted to do this again soon. 

Walking inside the dorm, I vocalized to all my friends that I had a big fat crush on him-- however was a bit embarrassed to tell them exactly what we did. I wanted to see him again, and of course I wanted to be his girlfriend.  However the next day, I learned that is not exactly how he felt. On texting him, he made it quite clear that he just wanting someone to mess around with on the side. And being dumb, I told myself that is what I deserved. 

Boy number one cared about me. Boy number two wanted to get in my pants. I pushed boy number one away, while I pulled boy number two closer. 

I realized tonight that although I have learned so much about my identity this year-- I am still looking in many of the wrong places for attention and love. I don’t allow myself to get close to good guys like boy number one, out of fear of rejection; instead I often compromise my integrity and standards for boys like boy number two, who frankly do not give a rat’s ass about my value. 

I pray that I can be constantly aware of what I truly deserve. I pray that my fear of love will be erased. I pray that not only will men who come into my life know my value-- but that I will walk so confidently in knowing who I belong to, that it will radiate from every ounce of my being. I pray that I comprehend fully that I am truly fearfully and wonderfully made.