Roar

My best friend since high school has attempted to commit suicide twice this year.

She is one of the only people in this world that I would take a bullet for, and it shatters my heart that she would take a bullet from herself.

It has been two weeks since she was admitted from the hospital for her last attempt. I cannot begin to write the feeling that I have felt walking through this with her—the pain, the disbelief, the guilt, the sorrow, the rage. 

I have felt so much, for so long—but this past week the healing has finally started.

It started when I was going through one of my old notebooks, and found a journal entry that I wrote in high school when I was in one of my deepest depressions.

“Everyday I feel like my life just cannot get any worse, yet somehow it always finds a way to go down that path… I hate my life. I am hopeless. I look into the mirror, and I hate what I see; why would anyone want what they see? I don’t even think my parents, or closest friends really want me around; I am just a girl who is there to be used. I want to die—yet I am afraid of death. No one has any idea I am this alone and depressed…”

It has been so long since I remember these feelings.

This weekend during my RA retreat, my RD challenged us to listen close for the Lord’s voice. She had us pursue this in the form of an activity, where we had to ask Jesus what animal we were. At first when she was telling us about it, I was very skeptical. But then I decided to really concentrate on Him and listen to something bigger—I experienced something that could never have ever come from myself.

I had a vision of a lion with a powerful roar. After praying on this image, I heard that I am a lion in His kingdom. I heard that I have a voice that is powerful. I heard that I am going to capture people in His name. After that I saw an image of my best friends name over and over and over again.

Right after that I went to write this experience down in my notebook, and my journal entry fell out of my notebook.

I went from not believing that God could intervene in her life, to weeping in joy overwhelmed in faith.

When I put myself into my best friend’s shoes, I remember exactly what she is feeling. I know the loneliness. I know the pain. I know the longing for an answer.

After much searching I found the answer, and it changed my life. Jesus is the only answer. When I finally truly found Him, He took away my loneliness and pain—and exchanged it for abundant joy and freedom.

His love is sufficient for me. And I believe that it is for her too.

I know that there is a reason that she is still alive. Jesus has so much planned for her. I have faith that she is going to find Him. I have faith that her pain is going to be taken away. I have faith that He is going to do incredible things through her.