Single and Not Alone

Twenty- five years.

That is how long my parents have been married. Twenty-five years of partnership, commitment, and love. Although they have had disagreements from time to time like all couples, I was raised seeing what a truly happy marriage looks like-- with two individuals who are passionately wild about each other. I was raised dreaming about the day that I could emulate the joy my parents have for each other.

However, I have manipulated this dream. My once pure fascination has now become a tainted obsession; it spans far beyond pinning adorable wedding pictures on Pinterest, and praying for my future husband.

My interest in finding my soul mate has reached the point that I base all of my value on my singleness. My once high standards lower each time a relationship fails and each time a male disappoints me. I shame myself for everything that could be wrong with me—of why I am not good enough. My “I would never do that” promises from my old self are justified in finding the perfect him-- as I even turn to dating websites and men who are only interested in one night stands. I allow the answer to the question, asked over and over again from my family members about my relationship status-- to reinforcing the lies which I repeat over and over to myself. I tune out the women who have the boldness to say that “singleness is a gift”, I roll my eyes every time a new friend gets into a relationship, and I have grown bitter toward the idea of ever finding real love.

I have run so far in the direction of what Jilli believes love is that I no longer really remember the love that I saw between my parents as a child. I no longer place Jesus at the center of finding someone. I no longer even really care about the other person, as long as I feel the twinkle in my heart that I have always dreamed I would feel.

Tonight as I watched my parents at the bowling alley, I realized that I have been chasing after something that I falsely idolized for too long. Love is a beautiful thing that my parents have. Yet, love is not about a constant feel-good emotion, or the perfect dream wedding. Love is not about being held at night, or even about the great sex. Love is about pursuing after another person unconditionally. Love is about caring about the needs of another over your own. Love is about being intimately connected with another mentally, emotionally and physically.

It is difficult to grasp true love because I don't think I've ever experienced love in a romantic sense. I’m left to guess what might be. I only know what I've seen through others’ experiences. But as I mature in my faith, I am slowly realizing the most important love is the love of our Creator. Prince or no prince, I am thankful for this life He has given me and for His unwillingness to adjust His plan to fit my timeline—even if it makes for a pretty messy fairytale.

Does God not say that He knows just how many hairs we all have on our heads? Does He not give good gifts to His children? Ephesians says that God is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, the Psalms say that He knows the desires of our hearts.

I want a clear slate. I want to give up everything that I have been chasing. I want to sit and truly grasp the meaning of love, and I want to be ok with understanding that love may or may not come—but I will never be alone.