Perspective Shift

“Parents-- you are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.”

As a kid, I was so embarrassed of my parents. I thought they were trying to take over my life. I thought that they were controlling. I thought they were nosey. I thought other parents were so much cooler. 

Today, I realize I was so wrong. 

Although they are not perfect all of the time—they embrace who I am, and love me unconditionally for that. Not only have they always wanted the best for me and raised me right through that—but they also freaking rocked at it. 

Some of the most important lessons they have taught me are:

You are loved. You always have been, and you always will be.

Value God, family, and county first.

Have faith through thick and thin.

Be accountable for your actions.

Laugh often.

Work hard.

Keep situations in perspective.

Always have integrity.

Love all. 

Life doesn’t last forever.

Be content with little.

Don’t burn bridges.

Create a legacy.

Use your unique gifts.

The world doesn’t revolve around Jilli.

Disagree humbly.

Always try to improve self.
Home is where the heart is. 

Forgive quickly.

Have an opinion.

Diversity is beautiful.

Respect authority.

Spend little and live large.

Sometimes just shake your head.

Respect yourself.

Be content with little.

Commit to your spouse.

Actions always have consequences.

Do what you love.

Don’t fear change.

Help those in need.

Admit mistakes.

Be a good friend to find a good friend.

I am who I am today, because of the love, guidance, and care of my mom and dad.

Bucket List

This is just the beginning:

Backpack Europe.

Attend a Jesus Culture concert.

Work with women in sex trafficking stateside and internationally.

Take a hot air-balloon ride.

See Macklemore and Ryan Lewis live.  

Take a ballet class.

Do missions in India.

Go to a rave.

Learn to play the drums.

Fall in love, and get married.

Have babies.

Learn how to dance. And be confident busting out in public.
Go to a Killers concert. 

Have an older, wiser person mentor me.

Train and run a marathon.

Road trip coast-to-coast.

Go white river rafting.

Scuba dive.

Celebrate New Year’s Eve in NYC.

Donate an organ.

Have a military pen-pal.

Go to Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, and be home in time for dinner.

Go on a cruise.

Send a message in a bottle.

Write an autobiography.

Have a sleepover in the middle of no-where in the bed of a truck under the stars.

Be a bridesmaid.

Actively volunteer somewhere.

Learn how to snowboard.

Walk on a runway.

Read the complete works of Shakespeare.

Set a Fire Down in my Soul

No Place I'd rather be

No Place I'd rather be

No place I'd rather be

Here in your Love,

Here in your love

Set a Fire Down in my Soul

That I cant contain that I cant control

I want more of you God

I want more of you God

The instant sound of these lyrics have the ability to capture and calm my heart unlike any other song. 

I have gone through literally ever season with this song. The good, the bad, and the ugly of life have heard me proclaiming, crying out, and craving for these words. Through every single season this song has been my constant reminder to me of how Jesus is the only one who can truly love and fill me

.

The first time I heard this song was about a month into my freshman year of college. I was a new Christian almost 2,000 miles away from everything I knew, and felt completely alone. Although I had people who wanted to love and pursue me I did not realize it, and instead allowed a rough rooming situation to dictate who I was in people’s eyes on campus. After a bad night of being verbally abused by my suitemate I left and sat in the prayer chapel crying out to Jesus; searching for answers of why he had placed me away from everything I knew and felt comfortable around. As I was praying two boys with guitars came in, and began doing worship. The first song they sang was ‘Set a Fire’, although I had never heard it before, I began singing with them and could not escape the overwhelming sense of comfort that the words brought.

Fast forwarding to the following semester, I allowed myself to get involved with a boy and our relationship progressed quickly-- and only a few weeks into our “relationship” we fell into sexual temptation. I was so disgusted and ashamed of myself, and felt so far from God. I also thought that since everyone around me thought of me as a “good Christian girl”, if they found out whom I was behind closed doors they would be repulsed. I was afraid of losing the image I worked so hard to gain. During this time my friend Liz invited me to Renew Worship Night, and I went, because that would be what any good Christian girl would do—but I came literally right from a hook-up session. During Renew, I put my best Christianese on, because I wanted everyone to think I was doing so well with Jesus. I was doing real well too, all until the lyrics of ‘Set a Fire’ began being sang. I started balling. Like a freaking baby. I knew where I wanted to be. I knew who I wanted to find my value in. I knew who I loved more than anything else on planet Earth. WITH JESUS. Then Liz started praying over me, and the words she said were words that could not have come from any of her knowledge. Then our other friend Stephanie started praying as well, and they were the same. Then Zack started praying. And then Connor. The words which they spoke confirmed freedom, of redemption. I was a hot mess. But not because I was guilty anymore, but instead because I knew I was loved and I knew where I wanted to be. I was loved and wanted not because of what I had or had not done; I was loved because I was HIS. 

This past summer, I worked at a camp and was constantly pouring into middle and high school girls. It was beautiful, but man was it draining. It was in the middle of the summer that I hit my hardest bump. I was sent to our sister camp to work a junior-camp week, and wanted nothing more than to be done. I was surrounded by unfamiliar, was over the abundant boy-drama, sass, and cattiness—and thought my influence was doing nothing. I didn’t have faith that Jesus would intervene in the ciaos, even though I had seen Him every week previously. It was the evening of the second to last night and because one of my girls was having issues, she and I were late to the evening fireside service, and therefore had to stand in the back without the rest of our cabin. And then… (you know what is coming), ‘Set a Fire’ began being played by the worship band. This was one of the first times I had heard the song all summer, and by the second or third chorus the majority of the room of 10-13 year olds had erupted into singing the song which meant so much to me. And the thing was, so many of these kids desperately meant what they were singing. They wanted His love. They wanted to be in His arms. The girl who was next to me, whom had been having issues all week, even began singing and her childlike faith was so apparent. I was once again reminded that the only place I need to be was in Jesus’ arms, and the rest of the pieces will come together out of Him. 

Tonight as I have this track on replay, I am amazed by his love. I am reminded that I want to be deeper with him than I was last year, last month, last week, last sentence. I just want to be consumed by Him. I want to feel depths of Him that have felt unreachable before. There is no place I’d rather be.

Plagued By A Stigma

"We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections and believing that He understands everything—and still loves us." --A.W Tozer

I am a psychology major. I know all about all that feelings, emotions, and the importance of a good shrink crap.

For other people that is.

About a month and a half ago, I realized that I have a lot of issues and troubles from my past which I had never worked through. And like the intelligent psych major that I am-- I knew that if I truly wanted to help people in the future, then I needed to help myself first. The way to do this I decided was to rely on a counselor for change

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As an RA, I have been trained on telling people how amazing and wonderful counseling services are-- however, I had never actually done them for myself.

After mentally deciding that I needed to see a therapist, physically as a response I ignored the impulse-- I purposefully walked an alternate route of the location, and would not let myself go inside when I was close. Deep down I knew what I needed to do, yet I was fearful. Finally after about a week, I gripped the courage to walk into the office. 

While standing in line I realized I was unusually uncomfortable and embarrassed. I was ashamed that I was trying to become a better me. I was plagued by the fear by the stigma of mental illness. I was worried people around me would hear me say I needed help. 

I had been in the same office countless other times to see a medical doctor, and never felt these feelings. I separated the needs for help and how these two professions could help me. I separated how psychology could help my peers, and not me. 

I attended counseling for three weeks, and got some important help; however decided that I was able to go on working through my issues by myself with Jesus. I know that those who are close to me, and who are into psychology are saying, “what the hell” right about now—but I realized I am never going to be as perfect as the shrink wanted me to be, when I relied on him alone to help me. 

Therefore, I enrolled in counseling session with Jesus, and I am trying to relentlessly rely on Him to be the only one who can fix the inner-most hurts of my heart. 

I want my imperfections to be made perfect through Him.

From this experience I learned:

I want to be vulnerable when it is most uncomfortable. 

I want to deal with my problems rather than just stuffing them.

I want to truly grow in relationship with Jesus, rather than just saying I am. 

I want to be confident that my imperfection and ugliness will make something beautiful. 

I want to become the woman Jesus intended me to become, even when it sucks and is super painful.

There is a City in the Distance

“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.” ― C.R. Strahan

This is a letter for all of the boys. You know who you are, you are the boys who I shared the deepest part of my soul with. You are the boys who have made me into the woman I am today. You are the boys who have stolen a piece of my heart.

Some of you I see everyday. I look at you with a broken smile, and an even more broken heart. I look at you with hate, sadness, regret, remorse, and bitterness. I look at you, and immediately hate myself... and hate you even more.



Some of you I never see anymore, but whenever I allow myself to cyber-stalk you; the pain sinks right back in, the memories flow-- and my heart often long for answers of what could have been, and why I was not good enough.


But the thing is though, I am done. So done.


I am done wishing upon a shooting star that you to come back and be with me. I am done not being strong enough to save myself.

I am done hating you, and I am done hating myself.

I am done carrying so much pain around.

I forgive you, and I am learning to forgive myself.

I forgive you for everything. I forgive you for lying to me. I forgive you for manipulating me. I forgive you for not being the men I expected you to be. I forgive you for stealing, and not protecting my purity. I forgive you for hiding me, and being ashamed of me. I forgive you for wasting my time. I forgive you for everything.

I also apologize for everything though. I apologize for not the woman God created me to be, and standing up for what I believe earlier. I apologize for allowing myself to coward in pain, and allow it to be sprinkled over me time after time. I apologize for taking something special from you. I apologize from living a double life, and not being accountable for my actions. I apologize for being the girl I always told myself I would never be. I apologize for everything.

I am starting to see the buildings through the fog. I see the steeples, I see the curves of the outlines, I see the color. I am starting to see the beauty through the pain.

Although I know this will be an everyday battle, I have faith that healing is coming. I know chains are being broken, eyes are being opened, and hearts are being mended.

I love each of you, and truly want to see you as my brothers in Christ.

Talitha Koum

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” -Elizabeth Kubler Ross

The past few days, weeks, months I have found looking in the mirror and not seen the same old, happy girl who I once saw. Instead of seeing a smile, I see a face which is haggard by fear, doubt, guilt. These past few days, weeks, months I have been so unhappy and bound by the hatred, and pain that I have been oblivious to all the beauty surrounding me. These past few days, weeks, months I have given darkness the power to strip my joy from me. These past few days, weeks, months I have allowed an addiction to nearly consume my every thought and motive. These past few days, weeks, months I have become a person which I would have never seen myself becoming as a child.

Yet though this pain, today, I wake up and I realized that today is the day.

Today is the day to stand up. Today is the day to wipe away the tears. Today is the day to know I have been forgiven. Today is the day to know that my GOD is so much bigger than these thoughts which are bombarding me, these sins which I keep lusting after, and the pains which break the inner-most layers of my heart. Today is the day to get on my feet, and run in the direction of my dreams; my dreams of changing the world, my dreams of being the woman I have always dreamed about.

From this moment forward: there is no more looking at the mirror and seeing pain, suffering, remorse; all I want to see from now on is beauty, love and a dreaming soul. I am going to use this blog as motivation to find those dreams, who I truly am, and the joy that I know is there and that I deserve to receive.