Plagued By A Stigma

"We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections and believing that He understands everything—and still loves us." --A.W Tozer

I am a psychology major. I know all about all that feelings, emotions, and the importance of a good shrink crap.

For other people that is.

About a month and a half ago, I realized that I have a lot of issues and troubles from my past which I had never worked through. And like the intelligent psych major that I am-- I knew that if I truly wanted to help people in the future, then I needed to help myself first. The way to do this I decided was to rely on a counselor for change

.  

As an RA, I have been trained on telling people how amazing and wonderful counseling services are-- however, I had never actually done them for myself.

After mentally deciding that I needed to see a therapist, physically as a response I ignored the impulse-- I purposefully walked an alternate route of the location, and would not let myself go inside when I was close. Deep down I knew what I needed to do, yet I was fearful. Finally after about a week, I gripped the courage to walk into the office. 

While standing in line I realized I was unusually uncomfortable and embarrassed. I was ashamed that I was trying to become a better me. I was plagued by the fear by the stigma of mental illness. I was worried people around me would hear me say I needed help. 

I had been in the same office countless other times to see a medical doctor, and never felt these feelings. I separated the needs for help and how these two professions could help me. I separated how psychology could help my peers, and not me. 

I attended counseling for three weeks, and got some important help; however decided that I was able to go on working through my issues by myself with Jesus. I know that those who are close to me, and who are into psychology are saying, “what the hell” right about now—but I realized I am never going to be as perfect as the shrink wanted me to be, when I relied on him alone to help me. 

Therefore, I enrolled in counseling session with Jesus, and I am trying to relentlessly rely on Him to be the only one who can fix the inner-most hurts of my heart. 

I want my imperfections to be made perfect through Him.

From this experience I learned:

I want to be vulnerable when it is most uncomfortable. 

I want to deal with my problems rather than just stuffing them.

I want to truly grow in relationship with Jesus, rather than just saying I am. 

I want to be confident that my imperfection and ugliness will make something beautiful. 

I want to become the woman Jesus intended me to become, even when it sucks and is super painful.