There is a City in the Distance

“Forgiveness has nothing to do with absolving a criminal of his crime. It has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim--letting go of the pain and transforming oneself from victim to survivor.” ― C.R. Strahan

This is a letter for all of the boys. You know who you are, you are the boys who I shared the deepest part of my soul with. You are the boys who have made me into the woman I am today. You are the boys who have stolen a piece of my heart.

Some of you I see everyday. I look at you with a broken smile, and an even more broken heart. I look at you with hate, sadness, regret, remorse, and bitterness. I look at you, and immediately hate myself... and hate you even more.



Some of you I never see anymore, but whenever I allow myself to cyber-stalk you; the pain sinks right back in, the memories flow-- and my heart often long for answers of what could have been, and why I was not good enough.


But the thing is though, I am done. So done.


I am done wishing upon a shooting star that you to come back and be with me. I am done not being strong enough to save myself.

I am done hating you, and I am done hating myself.

I am done carrying so much pain around.

I forgive you, and I am learning to forgive myself.

I forgive you for everything. I forgive you for lying to me. I forgive you for manipulating me. I forgive you for not being the men I expected you to be. I forgive you for stealing, and not protecting my purity. I forgive you for hiding me, and being ashamed of me. I forgive you for wasting my time. I forgive you for everything.

I also apologize for everything though. I apologize for not the woman God created me to be, and standing up for what I believe earlier. I apologize for allowing myself to coward in pain, and allow it to be sprinkled over me time after time. I apologize for taking something special from you. I apologize from living a double life, and not being accountable for my actions. I apologize for being the girl I always told myself I would never be. I apologize for everything.

I am starting to see the buildings through the fog. I see the steeples, I see the curves of the outlines, I see the color. I am starting to see the beauty through the pain.

Although I know this will be an everyday battle, I have faith that healing is coming. I know chains are being broken, eyes are being opened, and hearts are being mended.

I love each of you, and truly want to see you as my brothers in Christ.